A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. - Proverbs 31

I know what you're thinking. I can hear you now.. "Um, Mandy...you're not married, honey." Thank you, oh wise one. You're correct. I am not married. However, Proverbs 31 keeps ringing in my head, like those church bells at the royal wedding. Loud. Annoying. Persistent.

A good friend of mine has also begun the journey of discovering what biblical womanhood means. Usually donning a t-shirt and jeans, she is desiring dresses, curls in her hair, and (gasp) makeup. Her recent attention to feminine detail has got me thinking.

Being feminine has never been a struggle for me. Growing up, my mom was extremely practical, and a sports lover. So if I was in frilly dresses, that was all Grandma. Mom never learned how to braid, so I learned, and did my own french braids when I was 8. I had more makeup than an Ulta store by the age of 6 (again, Grandma). Although I played sports, ran through mud puddles with the boys across the street, and threatened to beat up any boy that came near our 'girls only' club, there was an undeniable truth hidden just beneath my freckled, mud-covered skin.

I was a priss.

That's right. I've never camped. Ever. I have no desire to, so please don't ask me.

I will scream bloody murder, and run from the room at the sight of a cockroach (dead or alive).

Even when I'm 'slummin' it' (aka, looking less than lovely), it is very rare that I'm wearing NO makeup.

I love wearing skirts and dresses, which I would do more often if I didn't spend so much time with wonderful, much-to-curious-about-what's-under-there children.

Let me get to the point. I've never had a problem looking the part. I'm not sure anyone would dare call me androgynous. But my behavior does not reflect my appearance. In short...

I'm a bachelor.

Yes, you read that right. Not a bachelorette, but a bachelor. Let me give you some examples.

I do laundry maybe once every three weeks. Maybe. I don't sort them. I wash everything on cold.

I hate doing dishes more than just about anything. Except cockroaches. And laundry.

I do not clean up after myself. And no, I won't clean up after you either.

My desk (at school, at home) is messy 90% of the time. And when it's messy, tables become desks.

I don't cook. I can't cook. It's hard to say which came first. Am I a bad cook because I never do? Or do I not cook because I know I'm bad? A vicious cycle.

I eat food that is questionably 'bad'... I mean, how long does pizza last, anyway?

No one is to blame for this. Trust me, my mom and I are best friends, but we argue pretty often. I'll give you one guess on what we argue about. Yep. My mess. My argument is always the same. "Mom! I genuinely don't care if it's messy! It doesn't bother me."

This is only a half-truth. It does bother me. Not because I wake up and trip over laundry, dog toys, and 7 pairs of shoes on my way to the kitchen, but because I'm worried I'll never "grow out of it." Which brings me to the climax of this post.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I have to change!

Even as I type that, my fingers are heavy with the doubt that this will actually come to pass. But I have to try. This whole, biblical womanhood thing... it's getting to me. Seeping under my skin. Making me itch, like the time I tried Purex laundry detergent. It's not about me. I don't want God to bless me with a husband, and we argue about the fact that he broke his pinky toe because I forgot to put away the vacuum cleaner. Or one day if He blesses me with children, and I send them to school in their dad's tshirt, belted like a dress, because they have no clean clothes left.

I'm reminded of that good, but oh-so-cheesy movie, that Christian one about the football team. The guy told the story about the two farmers who prayed for rain, but one went out and prepared his fields for it. Yeah, I wanna be that guy.

So, I am going to 'practice' running a home. I am going to do dishes immediately. I am going to do laundry AS SOON AS THE BASKET IS FULL. And I am even going to...gulp....learn how to cook. Do I have the fire department on speed-dial?

Anyway... thank you for tuning in. Yes, feel free to keep me accountable in my endeavors. As a parting note, here's a friendly kick-in-the-pants to all of my wonderful women in the Lord who are striving to be that ever illusive, if-I-see-her-in-a-dark-alley-she's-in-trouble Proverbs 31 woman. As you read this, replace all the feminine pronouns with YOUR name. I'm mostly kidding in my negativity. I don't think God would include this, if it wasn't something He didn't want us to strive for, or something that was, at least in part, attainable. Love you all.

¹⁰ A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
¹¹ Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
¹² She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.
¹³ She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.
¹⁴ She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.
¹⁵ She gets up while it is still night;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her female servants.
¹⁶ She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
¹⁷ She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.
¹⁸ She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.
¹⁹ In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
²⁰ She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.
²¹ When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
²² She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
²³ Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
²⁴ She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.
²⁵ She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
²⁶ She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
²⁷ She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
²⁸ Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
²⁹ “Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all.”
³⁰ Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
³¹ Honor her for all that her hands have done,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

Routine

I am NOT a creature of habit. If I was, my laundry baskets would be empty, my refrigerator would stocked, and I would not have a stack of papers as tall as a student waiting to be graded. But it is not a weekly/daily habit of mine to do laundry, shop for groceries or grade papers. Only when the need stands up and slaps me in the face to I get to work.

There is one are of my life that is BOUND in habit, and that would be my "daily quiet time", "Jesus appointment", "morning refresher" or whatever you want to call it. I stand in the shower most days and think- "I need to get to work, but I really want to spend time in the Word/I have to finish this week's lesson before bible study/I'm behind in memorizing James." I had to do alot of soul searching to determine if I was operating out of guilt or desire. After a lot of soul searching, I found that the drive behind my desire to spend time with the Lord has two sides. One side- that I really love to spend time learning more about the character of God, growing closer to Him, and memorizing His word. The other, I feel that if I don't, terrible things will occur. That meeting I have today? Going down the pooper if I don't brush up on the teachings of Elijah. That relationship I'm trying to mend. Forget it. I forgot to pray this morning.

While there is surely truth in the idea that prayer and the Word prepare you for your day, the FEAR of the CATASTROPHES that will surely occur if these things aren't done can't be healthy. I'm starting to believe that God doesn't actually have a sticker chart for me, full of gold stars, of which I can choose a prize when my chart is full. No. There is simply a cup within me, needing to be filled everyday. And if it is not filled, do my circumstances spiral out of control? No, but I might, even in the best of circumstances.

Let me let you in on my prayer this morning.

Daddy God, I love to spend time with You! Lord, search my motives. I want to sit in your presence in freedom, not bound by fear about what happens if i don't. I am your bondservant, but remind me that there is complete freedom in the bondage to Your Son. What is most astonishing, Creator of the Universe, is that you are excited when I awake, because You want to spend time with me. As Roswell always says, "Shakin' My Head." Lord, let me arise each morning with pure desire for You, untinged by guilt, fear, or routine. Even when I'm sick, angry, exhausted, frustrated, let me desire Your presence. And Lord, especially when I am happy, satisfied, and calm- let my desire for you not wane! Lord, the gooby song from the Parent Trap plays in my head..."Let's get together, yeah yeah yeah, why don't You and I combine?" Yes Lord! Fill my cup, please. I will most likely need a refill before tomorrow.

Thy Mercy is More Than a Match for My Heart

Hello sweet friends!! It has been months since I have posted. Mostly because I COULDN'T FIND MY BLOG for a few weeks. I'm serious. It went AWOL.

This post is going to be for the ladies. Sorry, gents.

Oh, what God has been doing in my very soul never ceases to amaze me! He has been faithful to teach me in the secret places of my heart, and I have struggled to sit still long enough to listen to His lovely words. Mostly his words sound like whispers of ....'patience'....'good things'...'satisfy'. I have been struggling very hard with thoughts of loneliness and depression. These things are relatively new to me, I've always been able to 'brush my shoulders' off and soldier on. But lately my feet have been getting stuck in the muck of my desires, and I whine to myself, instead of cry out to God. Have you felt this way? I hope I'm in good company!

At Journey this past weekend, Jamie said something that has made my life IMMENSELY better. He challenged us to look at the Godly men that meet as BROTHERS, not potential husbands. When you're 24 and on your own, this is not the natural reaction to an attractive, independent, God-fearing man. On the contrary, my impulse is not to shake his hand and call him 'brother', but instead to jump into his arms and direct him in the way of the threshold. The truth is this: If at this point in my life God is calling me to be single, I have two choices: One- be single and happy, surrounded by my 'family', devoting myself to God's call. Two- be miserable and pouty, always seeking approval of men and not finding peace and being useless. I think I'll pick door #1, thank you very much.

I have more to blog about, but alas, it is time for school. Love to all, in the name of the Father!

The first post of the new year has no plot, few characters, and no resolution. I simply want to further explain what has been happening in the last few months. So, if you are one of the 4 people that read this, be prepared.

My life has been a roller coaster of emotion. It started in early October. I got tired of living with hidden sin. Sin that I thought I would surely die with. Sin that I could not shake loose of. I laid down this sin on multiple alters, offering it to God, begging him to remove it. It's claws were in me so deep, and I held onto it almost as tightly. I had been free of it for two months before I disclosed this information to my group of friends. Instead of judgement and disgust, they embraced me with love, acceptance and support. But more importantly, speaking about it came as a final heave-ho to the sin, ousting it from my life for good.

The next three months are filled with a real-life balancing act. Balancing work and social activities, while trying to live as Christ. I had a period of time where I became incredibly awkward. I felt...off. Bible studies, ministry, church and prayer meetings were happening 6 days a week. This means that the free evenings I had, I did not know what to do with myself. I did not know how to have conversations, how to build relationships, without crying because of something that Jesus had done that day, or because I was convicted of sin, or because I couldn't find the book of Micah without looking in the bible's table of contents. This was wearing on me. Even as I type this, I'm thinking, "So you couldn't talk about any non-Jesus topics. Big deal! That's a good thing!" But I was painfully unhappy. I went from being all about me, selfish and vain, to having no idea who I even was anymore. I felt on a pendulum, swinging uncomfortably fast from one end to the other.

And then, I went home.

And it all fell apart.

Until today, I had not touched my bible in 16 days. And let me tell you, it affected every aspect of my life. I mean every aspect. Are you thinking of one? Yes... that area took a serious blow.

And finally, I will admit something I almost never do. It's 'not cool' and awkward, but it's the truth: I am having a very hard time being 24 and single. This is unusual for me. I am, 95% of the time, completely confident in my singleness. These last two weeks have not been them. One of the fab four (my best friends), is getting married in the summer. This break was a whirlwind of wedding planning and discussing. I love it, truly. I am the friend that you WANT there when you are planning a wedding. But what was wearing, is how unbelievably in love they are. Every topic can be related to each other, and I've never, NEVER seen a couple this head-over-heels for each other. It was beautiful and I was so, so happy for them, but my own heart was hurting. Even as a self-proclaimed 'non-romantic', the envy was strong.

And so, I figured I had two choices. I could: A. Mope and wallow in bitterness, longing and anger, or B. Get over it. I chose B. I contacted friends that have a knack for bringing up my spirits, made plans to spend time with them. And I'll ride this out. I am praying that the Spirit becomes my one comforter. That I find satisfaction in nothing outside of the love of Christ.

And so, the journey continues. Back to work tomorrow, back to church, back to real life. Am I ready? No. But Christ has be firmly by the hand. Therefore, I don't have to be.

Lover

For the first time, I am truly falling in love with Christ. I will be transparent and say that I have never fallen in love, either with people or things, and certainly not with my beautiful Savior. I'm not sure if this is a prayer, or an imagined conversation, or what.. but I wanted to share what this new relationship feels like on my new and changing heart.

I am quickly becoming your perfect and beautiful bride. You are truly the lover of my heart- You seek me out, romancing me with your beautiful voice. I hear you in the wilderness of my heart, calling out to me, "beloved....beloved...." I choose the well-worn, easy path, but Your voice comes from the thicket- to step into it is to bloody my feet to follow You. "Come to me, my beloved, I am here and waiting. Come, take my hand, and follow me down my path, lined in righteousness and beautiful things."

Your sweet breath finds my ear and your voice again calls to me. "Leave your other lovers, love only ME, for your heart is beating only because I tell it to do so. It beats because of Me, now let it beat only FOR Me."

The other lovers are so tempting. They have many names- Money, Power, Comfort, Pride, Lust, Anger. I have known them all, and they know me. They have asked to dance, only to desert me on the floor for another, stepping on my feet and trampling my heart. But they still tempt me with their beautiful facades. They can offer me nothing but emptiness and death.

So I choose You, oh Lover of My Soul, You sing over me, your beloved. I will sit with you. I will walk with you, and yes, in full view of all those that are watching, I will dance with You...as long as You lead.

Lyrics....

So, thought I'd put up the lyrics I wrote over a year ago. Just to get them out there. Feel free to snicker.. I'm not so good.

'Beautifully Wasted"

Past the sea of velvet faces

Lies the one I know

The smoke grey eyes and candid mouth

Where candid words to flow

My memories and shaded dreams

outnumbered all my fears

You call to me, so now I see

I've wasted all these years

Beautifully wasted

Beautifully wasted

Beautifully reborn

When I see you and breathe you out

You breathe me in and blind my eyes

To your delicate disguise

"Waiting"

I wake up to coffee, traffic

Boss man'll be mad, I call in sick

Balcony with second cup

Waiting for things to look up

Can't see past yesterday

Slipping, tripping through today

So tense, I need to unwind

I just need to give this some time

Grandma's birthday, heading over

Family peering over my shoulder

"You here alone?" Their constant question

"Find a man" my dad's suggestion

But I can't see past yesterday

Slipping, tripping through today

So tense, I need to unwind

I just need to give this some time

My life unfolds just like a map

I need someone fold it back

"Take a Picture"

Walk down the street

People stare, do a double take

They judge and they size me up

It's fine if they stare

I'm just fine, I don't really care

Oh, oh

Take a picture

it'll last longer

judgement on others

so you're scared of the mirrors

Oh, Oh

Take a picture

it'll last longer

It's not how you look

your shape or your hair

it's what makes your heart beat

that makes you beautiful

"I do believe! Help me overcome my unbelief!"

I'm not sure how to open this up, how to start discussing what God has done in my life, to me, through me. So, here's lyrics to a song I'm sure a lot of you know. I can't say it better.

I've made You promises a thousand times. I tried to hear from Heaven, but I talked the whole time. I think I made You too small. I never feared you at all. If you touched my face, would I know You? Looked into my eyes, could I behold You?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out. I knew all the stories, and I loved to talk about how You were mighty to save. But those were only empty words on a page. Until I caught a glimpse of Who You might be. The slightest glimpse of You brought me down to my knees.

Let's start with Boston. Oh, Boston. Most of you have heard the stories, but just in case, I'll recap for those who have not yet heard.

In my preparation for Boston, I was plagued with doubts. Yes, my head told me that God could use me. But I was terrified with the thought "WOULD he use me? I haven't been living for Him, I've been living in my own selfish ambition." I was going with who I looked at as Spiritual Heavyweights. Men and Women who are sold out for the gospel of Christ. Who was I compared to them? I fasted and prayed, as Roswell (our leader) encouraged us to. In my prayers, I searched for the right thing to ask for. Wisdom? Passion? Humility? I came up with one word. Perseverance. I needed to persevere through my nagging doubtful thoughts, and trust in the One who laid out all my steps before I even take them.

My doubts eased, but did not evaporate. I prayed, "Oh God! I'm still failing! They'll all know... they'll all know it was a mistake to ask me to come. They have the wrong girl!"

The second day in Boston, we did mall ministry. It is with a bucket full of shame that I admit I have never, never done face-to-face evangelism. I have done good works with Jesus' name slapped on the front. (This is not discounting what I know God has used me for in the past, only stating that I, until this point, had not made it my mission to verbally lay out His Gospel). Rachel Bolter and I prayed that, as a team, God would give us one heart and one mind. We started talking to people, and boy, we were striking out left and right. The name of Jesus Christ is as offensive to the unbelieving as it is soothing to the believers. And we were shut down, again and again. A little discouraged, we made our way to the food court. Rachel says I'm good about asking what God wants of us, I'm not so sure. But I did turn to her and ask her who God was pointing out. She told me the girl in the yellow shorts. I agreed, and we walked over to her and asked to sit down. She motioned for us to take a seat, and I started to blab away. She then indicated to us that she couldn't hear us. She was deaf.

What?

Of the hundreds, maybe thousands of people in this mall, and the 13 of us. I sat down with this woman, when I am the one who knows sign language. Rachel is now hyperventilating next to me, as I try to remain calm. (Note: This story is so much easier to type then to explain... I get all tongue-tied trying to explain what happened next). We signed for a few minutes (I was voicing for Rachel) about how Dora, this woman, graduated from RTID (a smarty-school for the deaf) and how she came to Boston. I am still shaking. This woman is intelligent and fluent in sign. I am kind-of bright, and my language maxes out at around an 8th grade level. So I am struggling to keep up with her. Then, 20 minutes in, she says "So, you saw I was deaf and came to sit with me, right?" I replied, "I had no idea you were deaf." She then asked, "So...why did you come and sit with me." My answer was simple and clear, "God."

The next hour and a half is a blur to me, because it was no longer Mandy that was speaking. The Holy Spirit stepped in, and spoke through me. I understood her, and she understood me, with no language barriers. She told me her family is Buddhist, but they do not provide an interpreter in the temple, so she was unsure that she truly believed in that. She had a roommate that was into angels and mystic ideas. So I laid out the Gospel for Dora, I directed her to John (she had a bible at home, along with a Torah and the Koran). I told her of God's Great Love for her, and the spirit, working though me, again, cleared up all the spiritual confusion that she seemed to have. She told me it was too much... that it was overwhelming, and she needed to think and pray about it. As we closed, I told her I was going to pray for her. As I began, she stopped me and said, "WAIT! You need my last name." I looked at her in confusion. "No, I don't need it." "YES! I want your God to know who I am! You need my last name." So I told her how precious she was to Him. That he knows her. The number of hairs on her head. Knows all her days before they happen. I prayed. I asked God to answer Dora's questions, heal her confusion, and draw her close to Him. She did not pray to accept Jesus as her Lord that night. But I know, that if she is not already a daughter of His, that the day is coming when I can call her Sister.

And that story isn't that unusual. All of our team experienced the hand of God that week. We were all so wonderfully altered, we can never be the same. I know I'm not. How long have I talked about how good God is? Of His power to save? That was all fluff until I experienced it. Until I stood in Harvard square, a place so dark with spiritual mayhem that I felt it physically oppressing the Light we carried within us, how could I ever speak of Spiritual Warfare... I was never fit for battle.

Every day, I still wake up and ask God to heal my unbelief, just like the father in Mark 9. And everyday, he has been faithful to show me. But sometimes, man... he shows off.

*NOTE: The following is brutally honest and I have the permission of Wendy to share our story.

3 1/2 months ago, I prayed that God would send me someone to whom I could be a spiritual mentor. Less than 24 hours after I prayed that prayer, Danek brought over Wendy at Clarity on a Wednesday night. (If you've met Danek, you know that God uses this man often...simply because Danek's ear is always inclined to hear from God, while most of us have our IPODs in). Within a few days, I knew that Wendy's heart was not in Christ. I prayed, "Lord, let me make sure I've heard you correctly. You want me to be a mentor for a girl who doesn't yet even BELIEVE in you? What am I supposed to do with this?" I knew I should be patient, so I spoke to her many times, and probably a little to harshly, about accepting Christ. Then Boston came and went, and my frustrated reached it's pinnacle. I had had more success with total strangers in Boston than I had had with this girl that I truly believed God had "assigned" to me. Then Sunday, July 25, we were planning on attending the prayer service in Sugar Creek. God has always shown up in a mighty way, there, and I was excited. Danek invited Wendy, which I was more then a little apprehensive about. In my selfishness, I said, "She doesn't believe! She won't understand!" I lashed out at Danek, because I had no outlet for my frustration. He told me simply, "She needs to be there... that is the true Church." I knew he was right. I prayed out my agitation, and became slightly more optimistic at my friend attending. The first hour of the prayer meeting, I prayed for many things, Wendy's salvation included. Then, Roswell came over and sat next to Wendy. I have no idea what he prayed for her about, because my eyes filled with tears at my answered request.. that I knew was coming. Danek came, took my hand and we prayed for Wendy. I had nothing to say. I let Danek pray for both of us, because words weren't forming. I went over to sit near her. I placed my hand on her back, and she grabbed me, latching onto me, shaking with sobs. I knew God had broken her... that she was truly seeing His grace and redemption. I prayed with her, and I felt her spirit lighten as she truly accepted Jesus Christ as her Savior.

Again, I was blown away at being used as His vessel. I thanked Danek for being so faithful to God's direction. He, too, was wrecked, but you'll have to ask him about that.

I'm not sure how to sum up. Only this. If you call yourself a Christian, which means a follower of Christ, make sure you actually are. There is no such thing as degrees of Christianity. There is no such thing as a "lukewarm Christian"... that's like saying there is such a thing as dry water. He is your Lord of all, or He is not Lord at all.

Please, God.... be my Lord of ALL.

Things stink. We had to put Lucy down, she had a massive tumor. Then I find out my grandmother, the only one I have left, has Stage Two Bone Cancer. As my good friend Margeaux says, "Life is crap, God is great."

To Him Who is mighty to save, be all glory and honor forever. Amen.