"I do believe! Help me overcome my unbelief!"

I'm not sure how to open this up, how to start discussing what God has done in my life, to me, through me. So, here's lyrics to a song I'm sure a lot of you know. I can't say it better.

I've made You promises a thousand times. I tried to hear from Heaven, but I talked the whole time. I think I made You too small. I never feared you at all. If you touched my face, would I know You? Looked into my eyes, could I behold You?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out. I knew all the stories, and I loved to talk about how You were mighty to save. But those were only empty words on a page. Until I caught a glimpse of Who You might be. The slightest glimpse of You brought me down to my knees.

Let's start with Boston. Oh, Boston. Most of you have heard the stories, but just in case, I'll recap for those who have not yet heard.

In my preparation for Boston, I was plagued with doubts. Yes, my head told me that God could use me. But I was terrified with the thought "WOULD he use me? I haven't been living for Him, I've been living in my own selfish ambition." I was going with who I looked at as Spiritual Heavyweights. Men and Women who are sold out for the gospel of Christ. Who was I compared to them? I fasted and prayed, as Roswell (our leader) encouraged us to. In my prayers, I searched for the right thing to ask for. Wisdom? Passion? Humility? I came up with one word. Perseverance. I needed to persevere through my nagging doubtful thoughts, and trust in the One who laid out all my steps before I even take them.

My doubts eased, but did not evaporate. I prayed, "Oh God! I'm still failing! They'll all know... they'll all know it was a mistake to ask me to come. They have the wrong girl!"

The second day in Boston, we did mall ministry. It is with a bucket full of shame that I admit I have never, never done face-to-face evangelism. I have done good works with Jesus' name slapped on the front. (This is not discounting what I know God has used me for in the past, only stating that I, until this point, had not made it my mission to verbally lay out His Gospel). Rachel Bolter and I prayed that, as a team, God would give us one heart and one mind. We started talking to people, and boy, we were striking out left and right. The name of Jesus Christ is as offensive to the unbelieving as it is soothing to the believers. And we were shut down, again and again. A little discouraged, we made our way to the food court. Rachel says I'm good about asking what God wants of us, I'm not so sure. But I did turn to her and ask her who God was pointing out. She told me the girl in the yellow shorts. I agreed, and we walked over to her and asked to sit down. She motioned for us to take a seat, and I started to blab away. She then indicated to us that she couldn't hear us. She was deaf.

What?

Of the hundreds, maybe thousands of people in this mall, and the 13 of us. I sat down with this woman, when I am the one who knows sign language. Rachel is now hyperventilating next to me, as I try to remain calm. (Note: This story is so much easier to type then to explain... I get all tongue-tied trying to explain what happened next). We signed for a few minutes (I was voicing for Rachel) about how Dora, this woman, graduated from RTID (a smarty-school for the deaf) and how she came to Boston. I am still shaking. This woman is intelligent and fluent in sign. I am kind-of bright, and my language maxes out at around an 8th grade level. So I am struggling to keep up with her. Then, 20 minutes in, she says "So, you saw I was deaf and came to sit with me, right?" I replied, "I had no idea you were deaf." She then asked, "So...why did you come and sit with me." My answer was simple and clear, "God."

The next hour and a half is a blur to me, because it was no longer Mandy that was speaking. The Holy Spirit stepped in, and spoke through me. I understood her, and she understood me, with no language barriers. She told me her family is Buddhist, but they do not provide an interpreter in the temple, so she was unsure that she truly believed in that. She had a roommate that was into angels and mystic ideas. So I laid out the Gospel for Dora, I directed her to John (she had a bible at home, along with a Torah and the Koran). I told her of God's Great Love for her, and the spirit, working though me, again, cleared up all the spiritual confusion that she seemed to have. She told me it was too much... that it was overwhelming, and she needed to think and pray about it. As we closed, I told her I was going to pray for her. As I began, she stopped me and said, "WAIT! You need my last name." I looked at her in confusion. "No, I don't need it." "YES! I want your God to know who I am! You need my last name." So I told her how precious she was to Him. That he knows her. The number of hairs on her head. Knows all her days before they happen. I prayed. I asked God to answer Dora's questions, heal her confusion, and draw her close to Him. She did not pray to accept Jesus as her Lord that night. But I know, that if she is not already a daughter of His, that the day is coming when I can call her Sister.

And that story isn't that unusual. All of our team experienced the hand of God that week. We were all so wonderfully altered, we can never be the same. I know I'm not. How long have I talked about how good God is? Of His power to save? That was all fluff until I experienced it. Until I stood in Harvard square, a place so dark with spiritual mayhem that I felt it physically oppressing the Light we carried within us, how could I ever speak of Spiritual Warfare... I was never fit for battle.

Every day, I still wake up and ask God to heal my unbelief, just like the father in Mark 9. And everyday, he has been faithful to show me. But sometimes, man... he shows off.

*NOTE: The following is brutally honest and I have the permission of Wendy to share our story.

3 1/2 months ago, I prayed that God would send me someone to whom I could be a spiritual mentor. Less than 24 hours after I prayed that prayer, Danek brought over Wendy at Clarity on a Wednesday night. (If you've met Danek, you know that God uses this man often...simply because Danek's ear is always inclined to hear from God, while most of us have our IPODs in). Within a few days, I knew that Wendy's heart was not in Christ. I prayed, "Lord, let me make sure I've heard you correctly. You want me to be a mentor for a girl who doesn't yet even BELIEVE in you? What am I supposed to do with this?" I knew I should be patient, so I spoke to her many times, and probably a little to harshly, about accepting Christ. Then Boston came and went, and my frustrated reached it's pinnacle. I had had more success with total strangers in Boston than I had had with this girl that I truly believed God had "assigned" to me. Then Sunday, July 25, we were planning on attending the prayer service in Sugar Creek. God has always shown up in a mighty way, there, and I was excited. Danek invited Wendy, which I was more then a little apprehensive about. In my selfishness, I said, "She doesn't believe! She won't understand!" I lashed out at Danek, because I had no outlet for my frustration. He told me simply, "She needs to be there... that is the true Church." I knew he was right. I prayed out my agitation, and became slightly more optimistic at my friend attending. The first hour of the prayer meeting, I prayed for many things, Wendy's salvation included. Then, Roswell came over and sat next to Wendy. I have no idea what he prayed for her about, because my eyes filled with tears at my answered request.. that I knew was coming. Danek came, took my hand and we prayed for Wendy. I had nothing to say. I let Danek pray for both of us, because words weren't forming. I went over to sit near her. I placed my hand on her back, and she grabbed me, latching onto me, shaking with sobs. I knew God had broken her... that she was truly seeing His grace and redemption. I prayed with her, and I felt her spirit lighten as she truly accepted Jesus Christ as her Savior.

Again, I was blown away at being used as His vessel. I thanked Danek for being so faithful to God's direction. He, too, was wrecked, but you'll have to ask him about that.

I'm not sure how to sum up. Only this. If you call yourself a Christian, which means a follower of Christ, make sure you actually are. There is no such thing as degrees of Christianity. There is no such thing as a "lukewarm Christian"... that's like saying there is such a thing as dry water. He is your Lord of all, or He is not Lord at all.

Please, God.... be my Lord of ALL.

Things stink. We had to put Lucy down, she had a massive tumor. Then I find out my grandmother, the only one I have left, has Stage Two Bone Cancer. As my good friend Margeaux says, "Life is crap, God is great."

To Him Who is mighty to save, be all glory and honor forever. Amen.